I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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