We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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