God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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