Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
