I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
