I'm jealous of your bromance
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
