I want to have your abortion
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
