Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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