apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He felt like a one man threesome
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
sex in a hospital.. check
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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