i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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