what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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