i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
