What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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