I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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