my phone needs a breathalizer
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How naked do you want me to be?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
