I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Im part way to drunk.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
