yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
