Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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