from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
