I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
