i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I touched a dick in church today
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
