She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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