i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
