based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
