I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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