I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
