u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize