did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This is my gift to your gina
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
