My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i will never coherently bang her
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just invented taco cereal.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
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