Kareoke will never be a sober sport
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
