nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
