I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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