So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
time to smoke my breakfast
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
