the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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