you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
