my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm always down for nudity.
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