When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
