its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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