My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Boobs are out for the taking
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize