Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
