his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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