just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You are the jesus of drinking
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
