Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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