Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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