Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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