I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
