are you still at the devil's house?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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