dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
