We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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