im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
