once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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