i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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