im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
