Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
