anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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