The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
