we have pet lesbian snakes
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
we're so committed to being not committed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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