Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
