the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
