bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
