after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
