There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize