i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
